Hey Everyone! I think most of us like jokes… Here is a super long post full of the best jokes ever!
Spell Checkers – a little Poem.
A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers…
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
A professor was giving a big test one day. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back.
This student got his test back and $56 change
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.
In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as Replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
7 reasons not to mess with children.
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Yonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher repeated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Yonah”. The teacher asked, “What if Yonah went to gehinom?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing Hashem.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what Hashem looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, “They will in a minute.”
3. A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the mitzva to “honor your parents”, she asked, “Is there a mitzva that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Chana, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Rivka, she’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
7. The children were lined up in the lunchroom for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The Morah made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. Hashem is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. Hashem is watching the apples”
A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal con versational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what
happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Tzivia, what’s for dinner?”
So the husband moves closer to the k itchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, “Tzivia, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, “Tzivia, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Tzivia,
what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Tzivia, what’s for dinner?”
“Yitzchak, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel bar. Upon arriving to the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied “Everything is big in Texas.”
A little later the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door. This door lead to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident.
Scared to death, he started shouting “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double burgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an “Old Jewish Man” sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,
“We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?
“Vell,” the old Jew said, “I vouldn’t go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”
“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.
“Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.”
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
“So why did he say not to go there?” some of the pioneers asked.
“Oh, you know those Jews — they don’t eat bacon.”
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who’s enjoying a “glassel tea.”
The near-dead man starts shouting,
“You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone.”
The old Jew holds up his hand and says “Oy, vait a minute.” He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
“Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.
It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!”
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Ta, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says. “They’re coming for Sukkos and paying their own airfares.”
Hyman recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing “fairly well” for his age.
Hyman was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor “Do you think I’ll live to be 80, doctor?”
He replied, “Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no”, Hyman replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?”
Hyman replied, “No, I’ve heard that red meat is very unhealthy.”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” asked the doctor.
“No I don’t,” Hyman replied.
Then the doctor asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or mess have any sort of fun?”
“No,” said Hyman, “I’ve done none of those things.”
The doctor looked at Hyman and said, “Then why do you want to live to be 80?”
A man was granted three wishes-however, his boss, whom he really disliked, would get double of everything he wished.
His first wish was that he could have $10 million.
His second wish was that he could get 5 new sport cars.
His third wish was that he could donate a kidney….
A guy in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler.
He killed the pit bull and saved the child’s life.
Reporters swarmed the fellow.
“Tell us! What’s your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow’s headline will be: “Parisian Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!”
The guy says, “But I’m not from Paris.
“Reporters: “That’s OK. Then the whole of France will love you and
tomorrow’s headline will read: ‘French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”
The guy says, “I’m not from France, either.”
Reporters: “That’s OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow’s
headlines will shout: ‘European Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”
The guy says, “I’m not from Europe, either.
“Reporters: “So, where ARE you from?
The guy says, “I’m from Israel.
“Reporters: “OK. Then tomorrow’s headlines will proclaim to the world:
‘Israeli Kills Girl’s Dog!'”
A woman had twin babies and fell asleep immediately after. A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor “Where are my babies?!”
The doctor replies “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl. Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved “Well that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
A man and his wife are setting up their new computer. When it comes time to pick the password, he types in “my_brain” but the computer rejects it. His wife says “I told you it was too small.”
Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days………………..
“When I was a lad, Momma would send me down to t’corner store wi’ a
dollar, and I’d come back wi’ five pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’
bread, three pints o’ milk, a pound o’ cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alfa dozen eggs. Yer can’t do that now.
Too many security cameras.”
Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So Moisha explained: “We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.”
The customs official shook his head and said, “Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?”
Moisha then said “Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, “You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?”
“Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.”
Pringles Can Frustration
Martin was a real Pringles fan. He loved the taste, texture and shape of each Pringle. Martin was also heavy-set and would get annoyed that the Pringles at the bottom of the can were always so difficult to pull out and many times cracked into smaller pieces during the process. He decided to write to the Pringles company to complain.
A week later he received his response.
Dear Pringles Consumer, Our cans are designed that way for a reason. Honestly, if your hand doesn’t fit, then it’s time to stop!
Rotten Tomato Recipe
Vinnie walked into the town’s grocery store and said to the produce clerk, “I want all the rotten tomatoes you have.”
“What do you want with rotten tomatoes?” asked the grocery clerk “Unless you’re going to see that new comic who’s appearing in town this week.”
Looking slyly at the grocery clerk, Vinnie replied, “I am the new comic.”
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself? We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replied. The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them, then?’ The old lady replied, ‘We just love the chocolate around them.
An irate woman burst into the baker’s shop and demanded to speak with the owner.
“I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them, there was only one pound. This is dishonest! You have to check your scales!”
The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, “Ma’am, I suggest you weigh your son.”
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
“Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.
The English Lesson:
It is time for an English lesson.
So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep
in mind when using the Queen’s Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad
11. Contractions aren’t helpful and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it’s highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose
earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when
its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me
what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times:
resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
if electricity was never invented, we would be playing on the computer by candlelight!!!
A Blonde’s Year in Review
January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels… Helloooo!!! … bottles won’t fit in printer !!!
March: Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… The box said ‘2-4 years!’
April: Trapped on escalator for hours …. power went out!!!
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June: Tried to go water skiing…….couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm….. car swamped because soft-top was open.
September: The capital of California is ‘C’…..isn’t it???
October: Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December: Couldn’t call 911 . ‘duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!