Your Friendship Problems – Solved!

by Linnie Zerbib, age 14, from CA
Photo by Yocheved Sadek, age 14, from NJ

 

Dear Linnie,
My friend and I got into a fight. It was nothing serious at first, just silly squabbling. But both of us held our pride, and neither one of us wanted to apologize. This fight has estranged us and we haven’t talked in so long, for such a ridiculous reason! How do I make up with her and bring us close again?
Please help, 
Estranged

Dear Estranged,
I think that almost every girl your age has gone through something like this. Be assured that if you do it right, you can definitely repair your friendship. First of all: if the fight was really that small, do not bring it up. It’ll put your friend in defense mode again, and you’ll find yourselves arguing instead of making up. Second: You make the first move. Just apologize for anything that you may have done. Either she’ll apologize too, and admit it was silly, or she’ll explain her reason for getting mad. You might find that the fight was linked to a more serious, deeper running problem in the friendship. If that friend refuses to forgive and forget, continue to ask her for forgiveness a couple more times. If she continues to refuse to make up, then she may not be a real friend after all.
Hope this helps,
Linnie

 

Dear Linnie,
At my old school I was a popular, well-liked girl. Now I am in a new school, where cliques and friendships have already been created. I am a loner. How do I find friends again, when everybody else is already part of a group? 
Thank you, 
New Girl

Dear New Girl,
I remember being the new girl. In fact, I was the new girl five times! Each time, I learned something new about making friends. Here are some tips.

Target specific friends. Make sure these girls are good role models, that they are loyal to and support their friends. As tempting as it may be, don’t always go for the popular girls. Stick with a nice group of girls who are well liked and are respected by — and respect — other students, as well as teachers and parents.

Watch your body language. Would you rather be friends with the frowny girl with her arms crossed, standing in the corner, or the smiley, outgoing girl, walking around the room, trying to make conversation? Look people in the eyes, instead of staring at the floor.

It’s good to be talkative, and expressive, but be a good listener at the same time. Listen to what other girls have told you, and try to remember it. This will make them feel good. For example: Shira told you the other day she loves baseball. When you see her wearing a Giants t-shirt, you can comment, “Oh, I love your shirt. I remember the other day you told me you love baseball.”

I’ll tell you one of my friend-making secrets. Confidence. If you don’t have it, and you’re nervous, pretend. I try to swallow my nervousness and go up to the girl and say, “HI!” with my warmest smile. When she starts talking to me, my nervousness melts away and it becomes easy to talk to her. Then, two out of three times we become great friends. It really works. Be cheery and outgoing. It will really pay.

Try all these tips, and you’ll find yourself some friends in no time.

Good luck,

Linnie

 

Dear Linnie,
My friend can either be a sweet, funny, and helpful girl, or a snobby bully. I never know what to expect. It pretty much depends on the people we are with. We fight, then we make up, fight, make up, fight, etc. Well, I’m sick of it. I want to get rid of the snobby girl, but at the same time I don’t want to lose the amazing girl she can sometimes be. What do I do?
Sick of Frenemies

Dear Sick of Frenemies,
Good for you. You acknowledged that there is a problem, and you want to do something about it. You really need to let her know how you feel. Maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing to you! We should always judge favorably, so don’t assume anything. If when you talk to her she dismisses your feelings, saying something like, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll work on it,” then continues to be a frenemy, you don’t want her as a friend. You’ll find full time sweet, funny, and helpful friends.

Kol Tuv,
Linnie

 

Dear Linnie,
I have no friends. Sometimes girls pretend to be my friend just so they could report back to their friends the ridiculous and ™stupid∫ things I say. They even make up stories about me. In front of my face they whisper and point at me, then giggle. They call me mean words. And no one ever sticks up for me. To the adults, they are sweet, polite girls, and to my classmates they are too intimidating. Worst of all, this is a girls’ Jewish day school! I thought embarrassing someone is like committing murder! I thought Lashon Hara (gossip) is prohibited! Why are they so mean to me?
Bullied

 

Dear Bullied,
You are absolutely right. No Jewish girl is allowed to do anything like this, and I completely feel your pain. You must do something about it. Do you have a teacher or a school counselor? I ensure you that many people have been bullied in their lifetime, and you definitely will have people to relate to. Talk to your parents, and ask them to talk to your principal. Also, try to stick up to those girls. Don’t show them that they got what they wanted. Be confident, and stick your chin up high. It’ll work, you’ll see. But sometimes the only solution is to involve a responsible adult.
I wish you the best,
Linnie