Hi Everyone! Sorry I didn’t post last week. I think February’s out to get me- It’s been one thing after another. But today is the second of March and I’m finally posting!
I’m also sorry that this post isn’t on one of the topic’s you’ve suggested. I’m still trying to think of what to say (or to find some hashkafic idea involving snow!), so I decided not to wait another week, and just to post on another thing that’s been on my mind recently—overcoming fears.
There are two types of fears- the logical, ‘I’m-so-nervous’ kind. The kind that usually are accompanied by a reason, and can be worked out. Then there is the second kind- illogical paralyzing fear. (Fear of bugs will not be covered in this section, as everyone claims there’s a logical reason- that they’re creepy. Sure. Right.)
I don’t know how to explain without giving an example. Until last week, I was deathly afraid of shots. I had no reason- I knew they didn’t hurt, and weren’t dangerous- but I couldn’t get over it anyway.
Astute readers (okay, that means all of you) will notice that I said last week. What changed? I did.
Here are some tips for getting rid of fears.
- Daven. It sounds so obvious, but I’ll mention it anyway. It doesn’t help much to daven “Please help me get out of doing X,” but try to change it to “Please give me the strength to be able to do X.” Hashem doesn’t want you to be upset or afraid, but He does want you to learn from the experience. There is no more empowering feeling than facing your fear and coming up on top- but as always, you need Hashem’s help.
- Logic. Ask yourself- why am I afraid? In my case, I realized that as pathetic as it sounds, I was afraid of rubbing alcohol. In all my memories, I could keep myself calm until then. It wasn’t that I was afraid of rubbing alcohol- it was just that the strong smell brought back all the memories of the times I was afraid, and I got wound up, and because I was all stressed out, it was awful. I worked through it until I could pinpoint the exact thing that made me scared- and then I attacked it from all angles trying to work out why. When I realized that truly, there was no why, it helped calm me down.
Instead of letting whatever it is that is scaring you become a huge overwhelming mess, take it apart in your brain until you realize exactly where the fear is coming from, and then try to decide what really is so scary about it anyway. - Talk it out. This is a two part trick, which uses two of the body’s self-help mechanisms. Every night, before you go to bed, say to yourself ‘I am not afraid of X. I am more powerful than my fear. I have nothing to be afraid of.’ This works for two reasons.
a. Confidently saying something to yourself as if you really believe really helps you believe it for real. You hear yourself calmly talking about your fear and it helps you feel as though you really aren’t afraid.b.Overnight, your brain processes everything that happened to you that day. That is why, even though cramming doesn’t work, reviewing your notes right before you go to bed can help them stick. Actors use this trick to help memorize their lines. As well as for studying, it can help when you’re trying to convince yourself something.
- Act it out. Not literally. I suppose the best word to use would be visualize it. Imagine yourself calmly facing your fear. Imagine yourself calmly speaking and acting the way you wish would you could on the day. Convince yourself that you really can.
In my case, I knew that there were things I could do to make it easier for myself to relax and make it more painless. But if I was a ball of stressed nerves, I couldn’t do anything. So I imagined calmly sitting there, legs folded, answering questions in a normal voice and acting the way I wanted to act. I did this until on the day of, I didn’t have to calm myself down all over again- I just followed the script I had set up for myself and did exactly what I had planned to. I planned for all eventualities- so that I could even say ‘No, I don’t want to put it off,’ when offered. I knew that if I did, I would never be able to face my fears again.
An important part of your visualization is that is has to have an after. You have to remember that no matter how bad and endless the moment might be, there will always be an after. You will still graduate at the end year and have a future beyond what happened. Think about what you are planning on doing next, and imagine calmly finishing what’s happening and moving on. - Give yourself time. It might take a while. It took me almost three weeks to get from the starting to when I was sure that I could be as calm as I was, sitting on my bed imagining it as I would be when it happened. It took time an effort. Don’t push yourself or you could make it worse. Sometimes you will need to stop and think about something else. It helps to have a deadline, an actual date when you will have to act on your work- it helps with the imagining the after bit, and it’s good to have just a little bit pressure. Give yourself at least a month. To be safe, a month and a half.
Hope this helped. Feel free to ask me for more details. Good luck (you won’t need it!), and get to work!
I love your suggestion to “act it out” because I always try to create brave, memorable characters for stories. I know I’m not them, but if I aspire to be like the in that aspect, maybe I can inspire myself to face my fears with a little more dignity. :P
Same with me – I have to get blood tests every six months, and I should be used to them by now, but now I realize it is – like you – with the rubbing alcohol and when they tie the rubber band thing around my arm. It’s the dread that does it then. I’ll try to remember to prepare for my next one like that, I’m sure it will help! Thanks!
Wow thanx!
Put my theory to the ultimate test today. Had to get a blood draw today. I won’t lie, I spent a few hours beforehand mostly trying not to think about it, but whenever I could, I calmly imagined myself going through it and told myself that it would be over in 5 minutes.
Not afraid of them anymore. I think my mother was more nervous watching me than I was experiencing it! :)
Daven that we should get good results and that I should have a Refuah Shelemah soon.
Aww, I feel for you! :) I’m still afraid of them, even though I must have gotten about 20 in my life! Bli neder, I’ll daven for you. Good luck!
Why, Leora? By now you must realize that they don’t hurt.
Not trying to bug you or by patronizing, but I sympathize. I want to help!
Let me know how the tips work.
Thanks – I know they don’t, but it’s the pushing off and sitting in the waiting room and such. My next one is in June, I think, so I’ll try not to push it off. I hope we can go in the morning before many people are there. I’ll try to keep your tips in mind, and if I remember, I’ll tell you about it!
Hi Everyone. I need your help.
I have another blood draw tomorrow- the first one didn’t give us any helpful results. And the truth is, I’m not scared of the blood draw per say- I’m scared of the results. But that’s just too big and vast for my mind to grip onto, so all the nerves are directed at the blood draw instead.
I don’t know what to do. I’m usually the kind of person who would say that if G-d’s putting me through this, it’s for my own good, and it’s exactly what’s supposed to be happening. But I couldn’t imagine giving that speech to someone who’s battling a mysterious disease- and now I can’t give it to myself.
Any suggestions?
Oh, Miriam, I only saw this now! :( I’ve only experienced blood draws a few times in my life, and I’ll admit I did not enjoy them…. If Hashem is putting you through a difficult challenge, I can tell you’ve got a very good approach towards it. I wish I knew else to tell you.
Here’s a virtual hug from one Yaldah to another. Hang in there – may you have helpful, good results and a refuah sheleimah.
Thanks Shoshana!
I managed ok. I’m getting pretty good at it, unfortunately. I just kept telling myself that I want to be healthy again, and therefore I need to do this.
Hopefully, I’ll be in school tomorrow- it’s our last day.
A virtual hug back- since they’re definitely not going to make you sick!